1. The last P-day of my mission
2. Not some dorkaziod missionaries
3. Even if the church is perfect, the people aren't
4. It's not that simple

• (character chart)

1. Young Women's
2. Youth Conference
3. Saturday's Warrior
4. Brigham Young University
• Gratuitous Love Scene
5. Polygamist
6. Temple Wedding
7. Orem High
8. Bordeaux Mission
9. Exmo Conference

It was hard for me to really know which side to take. Elder West and Elder Dietrich had a feud from way back that I'd been doing my best to avoid getting in the middle of.

I liked Elder West, or Nick, as he liked people to call him on the sly. He was loads of fun back in the MTC and later when we were companions in La Rochelle. The only problem was that he was one of those guys who never wanted to do anything but goof off and break the rules. So it was always a challenge to work things out so we could get our job done right without my having to nag him and be his mother.

I'd always been pretty laid back and not real big on bossing people around and telling them what to do. So with Nick, I ended up looking the other way and letting a lot of stuff slide, and for his part he ended up following along with me a lot of the time and doing more of the Lord's work than he really wanted to, so it all sort of evened out. Things were a little easier now that I was paired up with Elder Beaverton. He was so gung-ho to serve the Lord that I never had to push him at all -- if anything it was the other way around.

The main problem when I was companions with Nick was that Elder Dietrich -- who was our Zone Leader then as now -- wasn't nearly as willing as I was to let things slide. He kept wanting to get Nick in trouble, and me too whenever I went along with him.

Twice Nick and I ended up breaking the rules by going to the beach -- it was a total accident both times (long story, don't ask) -- and somehow Elder Dietrich found out about it and got us in trouble. That was when Nick started referring to Elder Dietrich as "Elder Dickhead" (not to his face, of course). And that was when I decided I wanted to try to stay out of it.

Unfortunately it looked like things were heating up on the court. Elder Dietrich and Elder West were getting a little more aggressive than you're supposed to in basketball. At one point it looked like Elder Dietrich might have shoved Elder West, who gave a ferociously threatening glare in response.

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"Do something Elder Hobbs," said Sister Bell. "Elder Dietrich is really getting out of hand."

"Not my problem," I said.

As he was handing the ball off to Sister Stein, I could have sworn I heard Elder Dietrich say something about "Sister Baleine" and give a laugh in our direction. "Sister Baleine" [whale] was a nickname some of the guys had given to Sister Bell. From the look on her face, it looked like she might have heard it too.

"Look, you can see he's exercising unrighteous dominion," she said. "You know as well as I do that he only calls these stupid zone activities in the first place so that he can show off his basketball moves for Sister Stein. He's not supposed to be flirting with her at all, and he's abusing his authority as Zone Leader."

"I'm still waiting to hear what this has to do with me," I said.

"Elder Hobbs, you're the biggest guy here."

I laughed. "What, you want me to fight him? Come on, we're all missionaries here on the Lord's errand. We're not a bunch of animals."

She thought about it for a minute and said, "Well, maybe not fight him, but, you know, maybe just scare him a little."

I just laughed and shook my head.

Just then I saw Elder Dietrich trip Elder West for sure -- there was no mistaking it. Elder West jumped up and got right in Elder Dietrich's face. "That's it!" he said, "You're a dead man!"

"Okay guys, cool it," I said, rushing onto the court. "Seems to me this game was almost over anyway, wasn't it? Let's just break it up and call it a day and go home."

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